SPOILER ALERT
This essay contains Strong Language, and other words about reproduction, religion, and politricks.
If you don't mind cussin' and adult sexy talk, and you're a liberal Darwinist, you'll enjoy this essay.
Children and other small-minded people should probably stop reading here, if their reading skills allowed them to make it this far.
Kids, Creationists, and Conservatives, go play, pray or prey.

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Smart, broad-minded Darwinists, it's up to US to come up with a more accurate and sexier slogan for evolution. Our current slogan, "Survival of the Fittest", isn't a clear evolutionary improvement over Creationists' latest pithy slogan, "God! He started it!" Pith on that.

We need a better bumper sticker.

It's stoopid of us, but whether we accept a theory is greatly affected by the slogan that gets out and dances in front of that theory. It's like deciding the outcome of a football game based on who's got the better cheerleaders, or electing Obama because he looks better in a frilly dress than Hillary Clinton would.

"Survival of the Fittest" is catchy but, pardon the expression, it's not just sexy enough. It leaves out the sex at the heart of the matter: Evolution is based on successfully getting laid, not merely surviving. (In that way, Evolution is a lot like the two or three years you and I spent as College Freshmen.)

Hell, even Tea Partiers know that their survival depends on screwing other people-- they learned that lesson by watching Wall Street bankers. The Occupy Wall Street liberals are only now catching up on that research. Thank goodness they've chosen to occupy the best place to observe the 1% repeatedly screwing with ...well...everything except bears. [link]

The Wall Street 1% are petrified (in the non-Viagra sense) of bears because Wall Street is deathly afraid of the so-called "bear" economy that's the inevitable outcome of screwing everyone. Ask anyone: Wall Street lives on copius amounts of bull, but dies if it faces a bear. www.investopedia.com/articles/basics/03/100303.asp

I digress.

[link] Some great thinkers have suggested "F***ing, putting the 'win' in 'Darwin'!"  but prudes have said that using the F-bomb puts waaaay too MUCH sex into the slogan. It's feast or famine, 1% or 99%. What we really need is something halfway sexy., a slogan for an educated, well fed middle class Darwinist who realizes that for all of humanity to get ahead, we need for ALL share the loving, not just watch as the 1% screw the 99% to death.  [link]

Let's look at a few other examples in the wild. Sarah Palin, for example, needs an expensive wardrobe (apparently) [link] and a good slogan to make her look sexy in the public eye. Sarah, you will recall, is the Alaskan most famous for her appearance on nature documentaries while she hunts bears from helicopters. [link] She's badly in need of a survivable slogan, because right now only survivalists, people who hate bears, and other crazy folk from Wall Street would vote for her.

I blame her weak slogan. Right now Sarah Palin's "Tea Party" political group is using "We Support Sarah Palin, because she scared us into it. It's all that flying around in a helicopter armed with a shotgun and a camera. Who does she think she is, [link] the CIA? She might accidentally shoot us, friends, like Dick Cheney [link] does." Obviously, this slogan's problematic, because it's too long.

Also, it's only popular with the Tea Party in Alaska and on the unoccupied portions of Wall Street. Sure, they've locked in 1% of the vote, but what about the other 99%? The Tea Party needs a slogan that will appeal to EVERYONE, even the folks who Occupy Wall Street, the impoverished middle and lower classes, and the pinkos in the Castro section of San Francisco. www.google.com/search?q=castro+section+san+francisco

It's a little known fact, by the way, that the Castro section of San Francisco is home to a large indigenous population of [link] pink "bears". These bears are in no danger of reproducing out of control-- quite the reverse, actually. Their mating habits preclude Darwin's theory. Anyway their clothing and body fur are what the military calls "OCD", "Optical Contraceptive Devices". San Francisco's "bear" population is an endangered species not only because it lacks a sexy slogan and can't reproduce: it's also under attack by Tea Partiers and other conservatives who don't understand that bears, even ones with dark fur visible under hideous pink wedgie thongs, are a part of the balance of nature.

Maybe San Francisco "bears" need a catchier slogan more than the Tea Partiers do. How about "Bears: We'd be sexier if we had a Brazilian Bikini wax from a hairdresser, to hot-wax-peel our thong area." What do you think? beauty.about.com/od/hairremoval/ht/bikiniwax.htm

I digress.

Hey, it occurs to me that we've just explained the Black Helicopters that follow around paranoid liberals. As Woody Allen says, "You're not being paranoid if they're REALLY out to get you." Black Helicopters must be carrying crazed Starbucks-fed supercaffeinated Tea Partiers with rifles and cameras. Those heavily armed Black Helicopters aren't spying for political gain-- they're just hoping we'll lead them to the bears.

The party is just getting started.

This Tea Party slogan is, at least, better able to survive than its predecessor, "Tea baggers: Showing the lower classes and inferior races what we think of them, one forehead at a time". It's waaay better than their first slogan, "Feed the rich: Eat the poor" although that slogan was both short AND Darwinian. 'T'warn't sexy.

Their slogan is evolving. It's getting shorter and pithier, so it can hold the attention of even small-brained rodents, Republicans, and other reptiles. Tea Party researchers understand these three slow-witted, notoriously selfisish groups are the only places where they might recruit new Tea Party members. Therefore a short witty slogan is essential to the survival of the Tea Party as a species.

In this context, I mean "species" in the sense of a group of inbred animals who, for reasons usually genetic but sometimes financial or moral, can't successfully produce healthy fertile offspring by screwing other animals from outside their species. [link]

It's not for lack of trying. For more information, consult Prof. H. R. H. Hoofenmaut's seminal survey, "Stay away from my sheep: a survey of mating rituals amongst the rural reactionaries." Be sure to read appendix G, with its short recommendation about barbed wire and inflatable sheep dolls.

I've heard that the Tea Party's next slogan will really pith people off: "Tea Party: It's where the Mad Hatters gather in Wonderland!" [link]

Their slogan clearly needs to evolve. Tea Partiers, Creationists, and other small-minded dinosaurs too. [link] If they don't evolve, they're surely going to win The Darwin Award by killing us all. www.darwinawards.com/

I think I have the perfect slogan to express the Tea Party's social Darwinist goals: "We want to screw you! Bring back the Bush!" As everyone knows, bush is essential for screwing successfully, Remember the so-called "Bush baby" years 2000 - 2008 and decades ago in the late 1980s time of Big Daddy Bush. Back then, the reptile, republican, and rodent populations flourished by screwing anything they could hold down while hiding behind a Bush.

That's enough writing about the small-minded. Instead read about higher life forms like flatworms, pond scum, educated folk, biologists, doctors, and all the other species that religious conservatives religiously associate with leeches.

So, how can we inject sex back into Darwin's theory of evolution? "Survival of the Fittest", a phrase coined in the Puritanical era of late 1800s England, robs the theory of its strong underlying link to sex and babymaking.

How about "Survival of the F.I.L.F. ...and M.I.LF."?

A MILF, of course, is a M-other I-'d L-ove to, uh, F-iretruck with a long hard ladder. A FILF is, of course, a Father who's gonna get lucky in the Darwinian way.

Good luck with evolving the slogan.

Meanwhile, I've got to go take a cold shower & clean up. I feel FILFy.

I digress.