Illustration for the February edition of "Phuket Magazine"

How to Recognize a Tourist:

1) Feet that have never before seen the light of day

2) Physique approximating the shape, color, and sweat of
a snowman in the summer sun

3) A tattoo that would look out of place on anyone except Conan the Barbarian

4) A "real" Rolex purchased near his hotel

5) Fist shaking angrily in the air...constantly

6) Combover waving at invisible friends

7) Believes that talking louder's as effective as
learning the local language

8) Rental scooter...straining to defy gravity

9) "Girlfriend"'s peersonal flotation devices are a size that
does not occur in nature...and are straining to defy gravity

10) "Girlfriend": medium chance of being a real girl; medium chance of being a real friend

11) Shorts "girlfriend" is wearing cover less skin than the average leg hair

12) "Girlfriend"'s shoes are an effective weapon in traffic
(see chariot scenes from "Ben Hur")